


/i think of you when i touch myself

by Pearly_Pornography



Category: Eminem (Musician), Project Shady
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Pedophilia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Misogyny, M/M, Wet Dream, slim is still a bigot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-11 15:44:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17449772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearly_Pornography/pseuds/Pearly_Pornography
Summary: Susan awkwardly plays therapist for a grown man. Slim keeps having dreams about banging his gay friend. Ken doesn't know shit.





	/i think of you when i touch myself

Every day it seemed, Slim would march into Susan's unlocked apartment, steal a beer from her fridge and plop down on her couch. Usually much earlier than Susan was prepared to wake up, which was still the afternoon. Always with something to complain about.

"Sue." He gnawed away the cap and spat it across the room. "I'm having a crisis." 

"What is it this time."

"You're gonna wanna sit that sweet ass down." Slim snorted. "...Preferably on my dick."

"I can't stand you..." She grunted, sitting on her crappy chair. It was cushioned, but it'd seen better years. "What do you want."

"So I had this dream--"

"Oh my god. I'm leaving."

"No, you sit the fuck down or I will shank you until you have holes big enough to fit my whole foot into." Susan grumbled, but lowered herself as soon as she stood. She'd certainly never seen Slim lie about shanking somebody. "Alright. So I had this dream, right?"

"Go on."

"I'm at like, a fast food place with a chocolate milk shake and a hamburger, and Ken is sittin' across from me, and he's eatin' nothing because I'm pretty sure he has a fuckin' disorder or some shit. They're playin' a song that kinda sounds like that one dumb song."

"What 'one dumb song', Slim."

"You definitely know it, it was like... come."

"Come?"

"Come my lady."

"That's  _Butterfly_ by Crazy Town."

"Yeah, fuck. But like it's not exactly that either, it just sounds like it... maybe? I dunno. But I'm eating, and Ken's not, and that's on, and the lights are too bright in there, some kid is fuckin' yelling, now I remember every detail like it's fucking second nature. And Ken is like..." Slim lowered his voice in an attempt at an impression. "'Hey Slim, wanna get out of here, this place sucks'. So I say yes, suddenly my food is gone but I still have my shake and there's fucking raccoons everywhere outside. And then before you know it we're in my house."

"This is so fucking stupid."

"Shut up, bitch!... So like, we're in- we go to my bedroom just immediately, and it's my old house from when I was younger when I lived with my mom. And Ken's gettin' real close, like way too close, but I'm cool with it, whatever, he's  _gay_ , he can't control his animal urges, and- but- then we're making out."

Susan nearly spat out her morning espresso with liquor.

"You were what."

"We're like- he's all up in my fuckin' business, and his- you can almost taste it. And then he's all up on me and we're getting naked and we bang. And I keep waking up, right before I orgasm in the dream and I cum on my fuckin' self in real life. If you held a blacklight to my sheets you'd see crimes against nature."

"Oh my god..." Susan puts her mug down for a moment and stares at Slim. "I'm just... snrrt! Fuck me, Slim!" She couldn't help laughing. Like she'd never even laughed at anything. Slim's face went red with anger. He'd never seen her put out more than a "pfft" and now she was just absolutely losing it in her chair, slapping her knees and heaving. "I mean-  _fuck_ , really?" Slim rose from his chair, approaching the hyena-screaming Susan, and punched her in the face.

_Hard._

Her body hung heavy over the arm of her chair, her eye swollen up. She heaved out soft breaths still, she was still  _laughing_.

"You think I'm a fuckin' faggot?!" Slim grabbed her collar, teeth gritted. "You think this shit's funny?!"

"Yes."

" _Fuck you!_ " His voice practically shredded through his throat as he wrapped his hands around her throat, holding her against the chair. "Take it back! I'll smash your fuckin' head in! Take it back or I'll kill you!"

Susan rose one leg, kicking Slim harshly in the stomach heel-first. Slim's grip released and he grabbed at his gut, laying back on the couch. "Fuck! Bitch!"

"Goddamn..." She cracked her knuckles a bit before leaning over and striking Slim in the face while his guard was down. His nose bled, and the blood stuck to her knuckles. "You're just a retarded baby with an ego. You can punch me all you want, I don't give a shit. Kill me. It won't make your dick any bigger."

"I hate you. I don't know why I tell you anything."

"Hire a therapist."

"Therapists are for teenage girls who cut themselves and autistic kids."

"You cut yourself all the time?"

"Yeah but like, that's just for fun, I ain't depressed."

Susan cocked a brow. "What? You cut yourself. We all do it except, like, Ken. God I don't wanna think about him. He used to tell me he was depressed, but he didn't wanna fuck up his skin, so he just barfs a lot. That's why his breath is so gross. Ugh. I hate that guy."

"You sound like you're in love with him."

"You want me to drop trou and rape you?"

"Dad got there first, it's probably like the Marianas Trench." Slim looked at Susan quizzically. "Deepest underwater trench in the world?"

"Ew. Gross." Slim crossed his arms and wiped his bleeding nose. "How come you never get fazed when I say shit like that. When I tell other broads that I'll kill them or rape them or kill their families they shit their thongs, but you? You just fuckin' take it."

"I'm jaded."

"Well, stop that."

"You are too." Susan took a sip of your coffee. "I mean, I wouldn't be bothered if you were sexually attracted to K--"

"Well  _I'd_ be bothered if I was! That's fuckin' gross!" Slim spat as he talked. "I mean even queers, they're into attractive dudes, like Mike Tyson, or Snoop Dogg, or  _me, obviously_. Ken? He looks like he drinks gasoline."

"How is it that you find me attractive but not him when he puts way more effort into his appearance."

"Because you're a girl, retard. One with a nice ass!" Susan rolled her eyes as Slim spoke. "Plus when you got that lobotomy I was kinda hopin' you'd come out just a hollow drooling husk that I could fuck. Though then I'd have to clean up your shits... scrap that idea actually."

"That idea has been  _long scrapped_ , bud. If I became a fuckin' vegetable I'd pay Big Naz to kill me."

"Aw, come on, Big Naz? Can't I ask him not to?"

"I think he knows your intent. But I'm sure there's plenty of corpses that you can screw instead."

"Whatever! This isn't about  _you!_ " Slim threw his arms up. "I'm having a goddamn crisis, and all you can talk about is your mile-wide vagina and necrophilia! You're an insensitive cunt!"

"Sorry that I don't think your gay crisis isn't a big deal."

"Wha- p- t-  _not a big deal?_ Are you fucking..." Slim trailed off, trying to think of a word other than 'retarded'. The gears visibly turned in his head. "...daft?!"

"Am I... daft. That's not a word I ever expected to hear coming from your mouth. But yeah, no, it's not a big deal. I'd fuck a girl. I'd consider myself bisexual." Slim opened his mouth. "I won't have a threeway with you. And Dave, I'm pretty sure he's bi or something, too."

"He's on heroin like, all the time. He's probably just fucking dudes for drugs." Slim stared at the ceiling. "Dudes aren't attracted to other dudes, it ain't normal. Ken is a genetic anomaly, like albinos, and snakes with two heads, and dudes with tits. We definitely shouldn't go around encouraging people, what, believing they're basically deformed? At some point you gotta draw a line, 's like askin' people to legalize bestiality."

"I don't trust your ideas about what kind of sex should be legal and what kind shouldn't."

"And why is that, miss L-B-T-G rights?"

"Because you've literally been arrested for sexual assault."

"Well I mean," Slim shrugged, kicking one leg over the other and getting his shoes all over Susan's couch. "that shit's just fun. You ever seen a broad scream?"

"Yes, Shady. You've seen me kill people of both sexes." 

"Then maybe you oughtta try somethin' sexual. And let me watch!"

"Get fucked."

"'s what I'm tryin' not to do! I mean, what if Ken can fuckin' smell my fear and nervous sexual arousal, and he fuckin' uses it to take advantage of me? I mean I'm a real catch. Smooth skin, nice dick, dimples that make yo' baby wanna drop her panties, I'm basically everyone's dream guy. Including that horny faggy motherfucker."

"I think your ego's writing checks you can't pay. I can bet any amount of money that Ken doesn't really need you?"

"And what makes you say that?"

"He has more consensual sex in a week than you do in a month. Which means that there are more other people, regardless of sex, who would agree to fuck him than you. You have to roofie chicks to get your dick wet. All he has to do is say 'Hi, I'm Ken' and he's got his cock inside something."

"Well  _I_ think he's into me. I'm way hotter than any of those flabby faggot freaks."

"Sounds like you  _want_ him to be into you."

"I- t- d- no! No fucking way! He looks like my mom!"

"You seem obsessed with this idea you want him to be into you. Want me to get Freudian, first you have to fucking get real with yourself." Susan leaned her cheek into her palm. "What I'm getting from this conversation is that you're a fucking closet case."

"I'm gonna fucking kill you."

"What'll that change? Then you'll just be in an echo chamber of your own retard thoughts."

"I, fucking, hate you, so goddamn much I'm gonna fucking scream. You cunt bitch whore slut, goddamnit." Slim grabbed one of Susan's tattered couch pillows and screamed into it momentarily. "I don't know why I tell you anything! You just want me to be  _gay_ 'cause you're weird!"

"Okay, fine. Whatever dreams you're having, it's probably nothing. Dreams are just that, right?"

Susan hated to lie to the little fucker, but it was too damn early to have this conversation, at least to her. Slim perked up.

"You think so?"

"...Yeah."

"Yeah. I knew it."

Slim stood, shoving his hands in his pockets. "A'ight. I'm leavin'." And off he went.

* * *

 

"So then I tell the bitch," Ken flicked his wrist for emphasis. "'give me the fucking discount, you rat-cunt, or I'll stab you between the eyes'."

"And then what happened?" Susan sipped her drink, a straight glass of whiskey. Ken swirled his straw in his daiquiri, wistfully recounting a story involving a make-up store attendant and some sale that he wanted in on. 

"She fuckin' gave me it for  _free_. I mean, I pulled a knife on her. The lipgloss tastes like sugar, want some? It goes on pinkish."

"No thanks, I don't really do make-up."

"Boo." Ken puffed out his cheeks a bit. "I need a friend whose make-up I can do. I've seen Slim crossdress once, but he won't even let me touch his face."

"Really? What a weirdo."

"Where is he, anyway?" Ken peered towards the door. Susan looked past him in the same direction. "I miss him."

"It's been a day since you last saw each other, gaywad."

"Come  _oooon_ , we're inseparable. We're like, what's two things that go together? Calvin and Hobbes. Harold and Kumar. The balls and the shaft. We're a power couple." He paused. "I mean. Not in that way, I don't think."

Susan swallowed a violent bout of laughter and remained straight-faced. 

"Even if he was into men, he'd never say shit."

"I don't like to be presumptuous." Ken swirled his straw around absentmindedly. "I believe they're all 'gay unless proven straight'."

"Fair enough."

The door to the bar slammed open and Slim walked in. He hadn't enough hair to muss, but his half-lidded gaze, staggering step and red face spoke enough. He was both high, and just got finished plowing some hot broad. He insisted ecstasy made his skin feel "better" when he had sex. As if it didn't just convert him into a slobbering pitbull, weak for touch and desperate for attention. Whoever his dame was didn't come with him. Dave, who was tending bar for them as usual, didn't even give Slim a glance before pouring him a glass of the bright green absinthe he hid underneath the floor.

"Thanks, baby." Slim shot him finger guns before sitting down. Dave passed him the glass and he took a sip, eyelids fluttering. "Tastes good." He lied, blatantly. 

"Hiya, Slim." Ken waved to his beau/best friend. Slim waved back.

"Sluts love roses." Slim muttered. "You give a bitch a rose, she's all over you. I got- I emptied myself out into her like... Wow."

"You seem smashed as fuck." Susan mentioned. Slim snorted.

"Nahh, I'm just playin', baby."

He got all too close to Ken, but Susan didn't say anything.


End file.
